A few weeks ago,there was a new student in my class.First day,he came in my class unexpectedly.All of us felt very shocked because there was no any news about him before.Unfortunately,it was a mid year exam on the day he became my classmate.I quite curious what his results will get.
He was a person that did not like to talk.No one wants to talk with him too.Thus,I wish to make friend with him.I know the feeling of lonely and I did not want to see anyone else was suffering in it.
'Hi',I say. (Should be I said) However,he did not reply me at all.He just lied on the table.As I expected,he was a kind of person that I was be.Did not like to talk with others,has no any friend and lack of confidence.I began to worry about him.I worried he will be bullied because his characteristic.
Touch wood! I scolded non-stop at myself.It has been come true.He bullied by some students from E class.These students as bad as thugs,no one dared to offend them.I want to help him,but I was scared too actually.Suddenly,there was a mind flashed through my brain.I though of what my brother likes to say.As the saying goes:men proposes,God disposes.
I scolded defiantly at those students.Those students stared at me.Afterwards,they ran toward at me.I felt my legs were numbless and cannot move at all.Meanwhile those students ran toward for me,I heard a sound that did not hear before.'Help!Help!',the sounds was near,but I could not know who the sound was as I was fainted.
When I woke up,I found that the new student was not in the class.I asked Siew Lee where he was and I knew he was hospitalised.Siew Lee talked to me about the whole incidents. (About the incident) The new student was fought with those bullies because no one could help him and me.He shouted loudly for help but no one came to help.Lastly,Siew Lee rushed to the office and asked for help.
I went to hospital to visit him in that evening.I felt very guilty to him.I want to help him but admitted him in hospital at last.However,when I approached to him in the ward,there was a smile on his face.
relax man! improve urself if u think ur knowledge stop at baby stage, dont insult urself instead by lowering ur age!
XiiaO_QiAngel
2011-11-12 02:13 PM
老实说~ 这个 essay 我觉得,你的老师给的分数太高..
如果我是你的老师我大概会给28-30 左右
第一,我觉得故事不够精彩,太普通了
第二,语法上得错误不少
第三,有些词汇有得不太恰当
there was no any news about him before.
我觉得你应该说, there was no rumour/news about getting a new classmate before 比较恰当..
I quite curious应该改成 i was quite curious.
还有很多
第四, 有蛮多的tenses 你混淆了
